kid quotes

“Why do people water their grass and then not like it when it gets tall?”

–my son, with one of the more scathing criticisms of suburbia I’ve ever heard.

Kid: “Hey, Dad, I can tell you something about your brain.”

Me: “Oh yeah, what?”

Kid: “The hippocampus is the part of the brain that stores the stuff you learn.”

Me: “…and where did you hear that?”

Kid: “At school. They teach you that in the first grade.”

My kid, watching kids in the town summer program:

“Why are they standing around staring up at the flag? Oh, that man is asking them questions about America and guys who are already dead.”

Kid: “Dad, I recommend you take a nap.”

Me: 🕵🏻‍♂️ “…Why…?” 🕵🏻‍♂️

Foghat: “🎵Slow ride, take it easy 🎵”

Malcolm: “This guy is NOT taking it easy.”

Me: “No?”

Malcolm: “Evidently not. He is yelling!”

“I’m not fine. I’m only fine when I can eat ice cream every day.”

Oh, to be five:

“<SIGH> I was nailing this nail into this piece of wood, and the part of the wood with the nail in it broke off, and I can’t get the nail out, and CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?”

On stumbling upon an eviscerated deer on our family walk this morning:

Kid: “Whoa, cool, a dead animal!”

Me: “This is literally how Game of Thrones starts.”

“Dad, you’re the funniest guy in the world. Well, you and [cousin] Taylor.”

Watching Charlotte’s Web:

Charlotte (to Wilbur): “I promise I won’t let them kill you.”

Malcolm: “I think she’s going to drink their blood.”