“Why do people water their grass and then not like it when it gets tall?” –my son, with one of the more scathing criticisms of suburbia I’ve ever heard.
Kid: “Hey, Dad, I can tell you something about your brain.” Me: “Oh yeah, what?” Kid: “The hippocampus is the part of the brain that stores the stuff you learn.” Me: “…and where did you hear that?” Kid: “At school. They teach you that in the first grade.”
My kid, watching kids in the town summer program: “Why are they standing around staring up at the flag? Oh, that man is asking them questions about America and guys who are already dead.”
Kid: “Dad, I recommend you take a nap.” Me: 🕵🏻♂️ “…Why…?” 🕵🏻♂️
Foghat: “🎵Slow ride, take it easy 🎵” Malcolm: “This guy is NOT taking it easy.” Me: “No?” Malcolm: “Evidently not. He is yelling!”
“I’m not fine. I’m only fine when I can eat ice cream every day.”
Oh, to be five: “<SIGH> I was nailing this nail into this piece of wood, and the part of the wood with the nail in it broke off, and I can’t get the nail out, and CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?”
On stumbling upon an eviscerated deer on our family walk this morning: Kid: “Whoa, cool, a dead animal!” Me: “This is literally how Game of Thrones starts.”
“Dad, you’re the funniest guy in the world. Well, you and [cousin] Taylor.”
Watching Charlotte’s Web: Charlotte (to Wilbur): “I promise I won’t let them kill you.” Malcolm: “I think she’s going to drink their blood.”
“Dad, I’m going to make a book just for teenagers.” “Oh yeah? What’s it about?” “Tic-tac-toe. CRAZY tic-tac-toe.”
Kid (shouting from bed): Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! MOM! DAD! Mia: What is it? Kid: Um…I was born in the 70’s!